Life is not just about the race

Thought I was supposed to be happier with what I am doing now, but I cannot find that joy yet. I know that change is the new constant, but I am internally struggling to adapt to my new role and new workplace that I am in now.  Alot of self-initiatives, alot of forced but needed interaction with many different stakeholders, alot of prompt decisions to make on the spot, alot of stepping out of my comfort zone. Yet, the best moments are in the counselling room with my students, and focusing on understanding their feelings and deeper thoughts about the issues that they are facing.  The recent school refusal case has really stressed me out. I wonder how I will be able to juggle a few other more urgent cases at hand next time. The "no appetite to eat proper lunch" habit is back, the chest pain starting to come and go. This time too fast.  I hope it is just a phase when I just need to overcome this mental struggle in me.  Breathe.

"How different am I now as compared to 5 years ago?" This question struck hard on me when I was feeling moody about myself. The effect of the change in the career has started to set in - from having the need to adjust to new work environment, to interacting with new people (and more people higher up the rank), and to making sure that I don't "screw things up". At the same time, there is this heightened level of stress having to deal with sensitive cases in time to come, working with people who are more vocal and have different perspectives from me, as well as dealing with my what-ifs. It was honestly hard for me to think of the changes that I saw in myself at first. As I reflected on the non-tangible part of me, I am surprised that I am actually growing subtly, in terms of my self-management and perspective-taking:) (though I hope I wont grow in opposite way to become bossy or pushy xD)  I am still a work in-progress. But, I am relieved that I am growing. 

"You are so kind," the maggie mee boy muttered.  I was surprised to hear that, and I asked him to repeat himself again.  "You are so kind." "Oh, why did you say so?" "You let me do what I want." The old me would be feeling soooo happy to hear such a compliment.  However, I realised I don't really feel that way. Instead, I was curious to find out what had made him say that. I later made sense that he has hardly encountered much kindness acts from others as he is always being scolded by others.  And my action during that session might have made him feel that he is being treated nicely and he appreciated that. Thank you for reminding me to be kind.