Life is not just about the race

  [Inspired by Annette to pen down postpartum thoughts] There is no sugar coating of the fact that the '4th trimester' and beyond has been the toughest one thus far. One thing about motherhood is that there will countless of adjustment to adapt to. Just when I thought that I have adjusted pretty well to the new routine, and to the little human, another waves of adjustment came along. My patience has been really put to test in motherhood, and am learning to cope with the mental stress. My parents have always said that I love to 'Pa Pa Zhao' (go everywhere), because I really do - catching up with friends, doing handmade stuff, and going on local staycay and overseas trip. The start of motherhood has  led to me 'mourning' about the loss of my freedom to go out anytime (especially during this vacation), and self-judging my declined efficiency to complete the tasks that I planned to do. My thought was moody and sometimes, grey. Then, one of the conversations in the...

 It has been a long while since I last posted about my rant about work. Fast forward to a year on, things have become more exciting and has been a roller coaster ride with the arrival of our baby, Hong Yi <3 I was thankful that the pregnancy journey was overall a pleasant one, surrounded with care and concern from people around me. Indeed, I felt like being treated like a 'queen' hahaha. I was 小感动 to meet  rare strangers who would step up to ask the other strangers to give up seat for me on MRT. The multiple visits to Dr Khoo's clinic were also pleasant and exciting because I got to see the baby scans (although some tests would make me feel a little jittery xD). The labour and delivery process was a whirlwind when Hong Yi decided to arrive as a pre-national baby. Despite the pain from contraction and pushing when HY's head was still stuck, I was thankful for Dr Khoo's swift action to get me out of the distress quickly. I will not forget his comment made about me,...

Have I ever hear my inner voice about how I see my current situation so far? Have I ever stop to hear out about my struggles instead of blindly telling myself that I can overcome it if I try harder? I was pouring out to my husband about how unhappy I was at work yesterday. I shared with him that I don't know if I am complaining too much, or the work culture and demand are just not suitable for me and clashes with my ideal. I have been contemplating whether I should just leave for another school, or to leave the SC fraternity totally and join back my old fraternity. Based on what I see, I don't think that the situation will vary much in different schools, since the way how school system is as such, unless I have a supportive department team who will be there to support me and my counselling work. So why risk another 1.5 years having to adjust to new school environment?  A part of me wants to give myself a chance to give it another try...but does it even worth a try? I was also s...

Although it has been a year+ into my new role as a School Counsellor, it felt pretty long and tedious. The situations that I face with are very dynamic and I have to be ready at whatever stage I am at. I have been adjusting my self-expectation quite a fair bit, given that I am more of a systematic person and prefer to have structures in place.  And.. it is usually the most complex issues that made me doubt my ability and decision to join school counselling. Honestly, I really dislike the idea of giving up half way when things get hard, because it made me feel like I am not trying hard enough or am avoiding the tough tasks. Yet, I want to be realistic to seek better balance in having true joy in the work I do, able to contribute well and earning well.  For now, I just want to focus more on overcoming my challenges ahead- becoming a better case manager and staying more firm in my ground as a trained school counsellor.  Hopefully, the 2023 me will not regret what I have not ...

Thought I was supposed to be happier with what I am doing now, but I cannot find that joy yet. I know that change is the new constant, but I am internally struggling to adapt to my new role and new workplace that I am in now.  Alot of self-initiatives, alot of forced but needed interaction with many different stakeholders, alot of prompt decisions to make on the spot, alot of stepping out of my comfort zone. Yet, the best moments are in the counselling room with my students, and focusing on understanding their feelings and deeper thoughts about the issues that they are facing.  The recent school refusal case has really stressed me out. I wonder how I will be able to juggle a few other more urgent cases at hand next time. The "no appetite to eat proper lunch" habit is back, the chest pain starting to come and go. This time too fast.  I hope it is just a phase when I just need to overcome this mental struggle in me.  Breathe.

"How different am I now as compared to 5 years ago?" This question struck hard on me when I was feeling moody about myself. The effect of the change in the career has started to set in - from having the need to adjust to new work environment, to interacting with new people (and more people higher up the rank), and to making sure that I don't "screw things up". At the same time, there is this heightened level of stress having to deal with sensitive cases in time to come, working with people who are more vocal and have different perspectives from me, as well as dealing with my what-ifs. It was honestly hard for me to think of the changes that I saw in myself at first. As I reflected on the non-tangible part of me, I am surprised that I am actually growing subtly, in terms of my self-management and perspective-taking:) (though I hope I wont grow in opposite way to become bossy or pushy xD)  I am still a work in-progress. But, I am relieved that I am growing. 

"You are so kind," the maggie mee boy muttered.  I was surprised to hear that, and I asked him to repeat himself again.  "You are so kind." "Oh, why did you say so?" "You let me do what I want." The old me would be feeling soooo happy to hear such a compliment.  However, I realised I don't really feel that way. Instead, I was curious to find out what had made him say that. I later made sense that he has hardly encountered much kindness acts from others as he is always being scolded by others.  And my action during that session might have made him feel that he is being treated nicely and he appreciated that. Thank you for reminding me to be kind.