生老病死， 生离死别.

I have been thinking a little more about life and death recently as I have been receiving news every now and then about the passing of some of my friends' grandparents. Death- once a far topic for me to even start thinking about, has become one of the most recent topic that have been running through my mind recently. I know that every human, everyone of us will face death one day. To say the truth, I am scared of death, and I do not know what I will do if death is nearing me. If flight cannot be the option at the moment, my fighting mechanism, perhaps, will take over until my final breath. Or, I will just accept the fact, and cherish the final moments with my loved ones.

Few days back after I went back home after going to Brenda's ah gong's wake, I took extra glances at my mum who was sleeping soundly. At that moment, I just realized that I have taken her for granted most of the time, and I couldn't imagine how life would be without her around. This made me cherish her presence her even more, trying to take her around to as many places and try different things as possible, even when she said she is not keen of going around. Same for my dad, and my 2 brothers. I begin to worry more for 2nd brother as well, with his body size increasing without much exercise, with more drinking with friends and clients :( He told me once that he thinks he will die early, I told him straightaway then he needs to do something. I believe that might happen, if he still don't take good care of his health himself..:'( What should I do?

Yesterday, I went to ah ma's house with my dad. The atmosphere at ah ma's house was a little different, more monotonous with only uncles, aunties, my mum, my dad and only 2 younger ones (me and Wei Lun) who came up to ah ma's house. Although my grandparents didn't say anything much, but I think they might be feeling a little disappointed that most of the grandchildren didn't go up :( I have been kind of guilty that it has been long since I go up to ah ma's house until..today. I hope that going to ah ma's house is not going to continue as a routine to most of us, such that many will just not go up because they are going out in the afternoon etc.

Sitting on the bed with my ah ma lying down to rest, I felt a little awkward and shy to talk to her and was using my laptop to my stuff instead:X It was quite a strange feeling because I would normally chit-chat with her and she will tell me her "grandmother" stories. But today, it didn't happen. Perhaps, I have not gone up to see her for very long, some things might have changed. But I attempted to chit-chat with her somehow, and pass some money to her and grandfather:) (I almost gave up the thought of doing so, but I still plucked up my courage to do so:)) 

What struck me the most was the part when ah ma was going to toilet. As usual, I would ask my ah gong and my mum to help support my ah ma to do so as I scared I will cause my ah ma to fall if I didnt support her properly. When my mum helped my ah ma, I realized that my ah ma's legs are getting much weaker than before that she couldn't even move/shift herself much to the seat:( I saw how she was trying really hard to do so, and that she was shaking her head with disappointment. At this moment, I realized that both my grandparents are also aging, and their way of lives are those take a day, count a day kind of routine. I am feeling a little helpless, and wondering what I can do to help make their lives a little more lively and enriching. I believe my family and relatives can do much more for them, more than just going up to ah ma's house every Sunday.

We cannot change the cycle of life and death, but we can do much more other things. That is, to cherish the times and appreciate the moments that we have with our loved ones who are still around us.