Heart over mind. Mind over heart.

I had an insightful conversation with Shaw last week about my decision to change my job role in school.  She didn't really understand why I would want to switch from teaching to school counselling job that is more emotional taxing and less recognizable by others.  Without much hesitation, I replied her that I want to focus just on students' emotional well-being without having other miscellaneous roles that a teacher needs to do.  And our conversation went on.

Shaw: 你真的很喜欢帮人 hor?

Me: Ya.. 我觉得这比较有意义也有满足感.

 Shaw: 你怎么知道你喜欢做这个?

Me: Oh..从我大学参加 CCA..给那些较低收入家庭的学生 free tuition...

Shaw:  我是不怎么喜欢帮人 la..可是我会担心你用太多的 heart.

Me: 是咯, 我知道 (长时间 )会不好. 我有remind自己不可以这样 (too emotional or sucked into the cases that I am handling).

 Shaw: 记得要照顾你的 heart, 有时候需要用 brain (logical thinking) instead.
 
This conversation has made me realised that I haven been largely depending on people's perspective as an indication for my self-worth and life satisfaction. This makes me feel more like a people pleaser as I put others as priority over my personal feeling. On one hand, I feel happy when I am able to help or when I received appreciation from others. However, on the other hand, I feel dejected when I don't see the expected outcome or when I am under appreciated. As I start to think deeper about my whole self, I am surprised that I find it so hard to identify my strength and talent as compared to identifying other people's strength and talent. When thinking about other activities that I will enjoy much more than helping people, I honestly find it hard to do so too. This epiphany moment makes me realised how much I have overlooked myself.

The past few days of self-reflection have enlightened me that people's opinions (about my thought, words and actions) shouldn't be the biggest determinant for my self-worth and life satisfaction. I should be more inward looking towards my inner self, to process my fear, hopes and wishes and what my intuitive senses are telling me. This actually makes me want to connect with myself more so that I will feel more grounded in the things I do, think and feel.

Rid the people-pleaser habit. Rid the superhero thought. Start doing me.  






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