Life is not just about the race

The past 2 weeks of study at campus was refreshing but it wasn't exactly as enjoyable as what I envisioned it would be. Although the physical landscape of the familiar campus remains pretty much the same, other things have changed. A part of me have always wanted to be young (at heart) like the uni students and to immerse myself in the interesting experiences they have. I thought it is just a pure wish that normal people would want, I mean, who wouldn't wish to go back to the most carefree stage of life? However, the recent trips back to the campus made me realised that as much as I try to emulate, I will still be at the stage of life that I am right now. This made me realise that perhaps, a part of me is stuck at that stage of life 10 years ago, the most bittersweet one I ever had. It also felt as if I wanted to go back to campus to 'override' something that I was unhappy about, and to reminisce the happiest moments that I had.   Then, I realised I have to accept chang...

I recalled reading the article about a migrant worker who attempted to harm himself and watching the video of his co-workers persuading him to climb back to safety. I couldn't help but tear. I am not too sure why I reacted that way, but I just felt heartbroken to see that happening. Still being in the midst of Covid-19 situation, I realised that most of us (including myself) have taken the freedom to leave house for granted as we tried to 'resume' our daily activities. On the other hand, there is a big group of people, migrant workers, who are still 'stuck' inside their dormitories. Recalling how much some of us had grumbled about staying at home 24/7 several months back, can we imagine how much these migrant workers have to go through thousand miles away from their loved ones? Can we just be a little kinder in our words and tone to the people we met and see? I have recently caught the movie, Unhinged, and even though the movie seemed a little extreme, it highlights...

More often than not, we tend to shrug things off even when we get certain sensing or vibes about them. When things really happened the way we thought they would be, we are most likely to say, "I told you so." What if our intuition can help someone in a difficult situation? What if our intuition can make a person feel better and less alone?   Or, what if our intuition is wrong?  For those who know me well, I tend to think a lot and deliberate over a decision for very long.  That night, I didn't think too long nor shrug off my intuition. I decided to put my fear of being wrong aside. I texted my friend whom I sensed she is facing some tough time.  And I am glad I did.  “In tuition doesn’t tell you what you want to hear; it tells you what you need  to hear.”  ~Sonia Choquette

I had an insightful conversation with Shaw last week about my decision to change my job role in school.  She didn't really understand why I would want to switch from teaching to school counselling job that is more emotional taxing and less recognizable by others.  Without much hesitation, I replied her that I want to focus just on students' emotional well-being without having other miscellaneous roles that a teacher needs to do.  And our conversation went on. Shaw:  你真的很喜欢帮人 hor? Me: Ya..  我觉得 这比较 有意义 也有 满足感. Shaw:  你怎么知道你喜欢做这个? Me: Oh.. 从我大学参加 CCA.. 给那些较低收入家庭的学生 free tuition... Shaw:   我是不怎么喜欢帮人 la.. 可是我会担心你用太多的 heart. Me:  是咯, 我知道 (长时间 )会不 好. 我 有 remind 自己不可以这样 (too emotional or sucked into the cases that I am handling). Shaw: 记得要照顾你的 heart, 有时候 需要用 brain (logical thinking) instead.   This conversation has made me realised that I haven been largely depending on people's perspective as an indication for my self-worth ...

10 years ago, the memory of MOE signing session reminded me of my internal reluctance and struggle of signing my 8 years of life away.  Today, I am back at the very place for yet another signing session. What an irony.  Nevertheless, this time is different - I have done so pretty much happily and readily. I guess this is how it feels like to feel empowered - to make my own choices and take responsibility of them. Honestly, I am not too sure whether this decision will be better or far worse than 10 years ago. I fear the uncertainty but I feel that I have made the best personal choice for myself that aligns with my personal belief and ambition.  I guess that's why I am still able to go up to that very stage again and to sign with confidence.  After the signing session, I had an interesting conversation with my brother and cousin about the difference between a job and career. Long story short, my cousin was trying to share his perspective that a job shouldn...

It had been an enriching weeks leading up to the Polling day. From feeding my curiosity to challenging my personal thoughts about GE, I guess the best lesson for me is to be open-minded to different perspectives yet being critical in analysing the information that I come across with. Every party had put up a really good tough fight. Personally, I am satisfied with the outcome and I hope Singaporeans do too without complaint. Because they made their (best) personal choices, be it casting to either party, or choosing not to vote or even spoiling their votes.  This morning sees a breakthrough for the opposition party and it clearly shows how much the younger generation wishes to be heard, beyond just the bread and butter issues. Honestly, I was skeptical about the reactions and views of the younger generation voters at first. But it shook me up a little when one of my friends reminded me that if the government doesn't haven faith in the younger ones, then there is something w...

Having lessons with Shaw is one of the best things that happened to me. Some lessons have been inspirational and they touch the very core of my heart - my fear,  my inferiority complex, my feeling of  'never good enough'. I am thankful that I have someone other than my family members whom I can be vulnerable in front of, to have someone that I can discuss my inner thoughts freely with.   Some of our conversations have prompted me to reflect more deeply about myself and my life. The lessons and mini performance opportunities given have also helped to normalise the feeling of being 'free', to play the way I want it to be, to let go of my self-consciousness and to judge myself a little lesser. Sometimes, I do feel tired trying to be 'good enough' and having fear of being judged. However, the past 2.5 months of wanderlust and 6 months of learning Counselling have made me realised that all these thoughts are uncalled for. If I didn't go ahead with the...

I wonder how many of us have ever complained that we don't have enough time to do this or that? And it always ended up not doing the things/tasks we wish to do, such as doing our favourite activity, spending a day with family and so on. I am guilty of that. After all, everyone has the same amount of time at hand - 24 hours, 1440 minutes and 86 400 seconds a day.  Why am I thinking that time is not enough? As I grow older, I have become more aware about this habit of mine- procrastinating and feeling that this is not the 'right time'  to do yet.  When WFH begins during CB period, I realised most of us can be pretty efficient in completing the tasks within few hours so that the rest of the time can be free up to do other things at home.  This applies to home, when we can actually use the limited time that we have on things that we set out to do, if we really want to.  I recalled one day when I was alone at home with my mum and we started sharing about po...

It is not easy to be curious. It requires purposeful practice and genuine concern. Since young, I have been used to following through things and did not have the habit to voice out personal opinions. Overtime, it makes me feel awkward to verbalise my thoughts and think that my perspective is not as good as others. Whilst going through the school stint as a School Counsellor, I begin to be practice conscious curiosity through interaction with students. I find myself feeling more comfortable asking questions that feed my curiosity, as well as taking on different perspective of the students. In the sense, the experience has made me become more empathetic towards the students and motivates me to feel their emotions. To practice curiosity in real-life situations, I try to apply it by paying more attention to political issues and understanding the perspective of each party. Although it is complex to be understood, being curious has encouraged me to ask myself questions and seek for deep...

"What if I were to die tomorrow?" I suddenly have such thought probably because I have the whole of June Holiday to think through about my life thus far and I finally have the freedom to decide on my future (work) life. You may be thinking of why I am thinking negatively, but I thought that it is a question that is so real.  As I was pondering over this question, I am thinking about how the death will affect myself or the people around me. Well, life continues and the earth will still keep turning.  In terms of work, I realised that no one is irreplaceable, and there will always be that "other one" who will keep it going. I have suddenly seen this clearly after 6 months when Miss Sim is no longer around in school. And so, I will not be that silly anymore to slog my heart out over work, and will show more self-care to myself. As for family, I hope that my death wont inconvenient them. I suddenly realised that I have too many things at home and I do not wis...

It has been so long since I last posted. I have always wanted to, but am plain lazy to do so. Things have pretty much the same, with a few major episodes happening in between. I am trying to be more spontaneous in taking charge of what I want in life, and I hope that these will be fulfilled accordingly so without any regret.The thought of going to Australia for a year is really exciting and I cannot wait to realise this common goal with CL:) Nevertheless, I do feel stress about how I can help contribute to speed up the process and prepare ourselves better. Good news: I am nearing the end of my 4 years bond! No doubt, I AM getting more excited for the next 3 months to welcome my 'freedom', but I realised that I feel more stressed:( Is it self-given stress or am I just afraid that I cannot realise the goal of going to Australia next year? I really don't know.  Recently, there are several mentions about mental health matter. From Miss Elim Chew, to the school and...

I can feel that I am not looking forward to the things ahead anymore (or at least for now), and I feel like sleeping through the day.  And yes, I slept through 16 hours last Saturday. Unlike the last time, I didn't feel guilty for sleeping that long that day. I felt energized after sleeping, yet not knowing what to do. The feeling of losing the enthusiasm to do things, or even looking forward to exciting things ahead can be pretty scary. Because you are not sure whether your enthusiasm can carry you far, but you know that those exciting things will come to an end eventually. Apart from that, there are more things to worry about as you get older and wiser (well, in the sense). You have to assume more responsibility in major decision-making process and be the peacemaker for the various situations. 好不想长大:(   As of now, I am generally satisfied with what I have, though I have no "突破" (yet). 知足真的会常乐吗？No drive, no motivation. 死了也不会后悔太多吧？ Where will I ...

It is first time that there are missing family members during the Chinese New Year.  "Huh, 这还是团圆饭 meh?", my eldest cousin exclaimed. My heart sank. My heart sank a second time upon knowing that my 舅母 and cousin were going to China during that reunion dinner night. At least after dinner..:) I should be feeling really happy that there is lesser wayang during the dinner this time round. We could be ourselves, enjoyed the simple dishes and laughed out loud together. However, I just felt that there are something missing. Be it the atmosphere and people. My heart sank for a third time upon seeing and feeling that my ah ma is not in her good shape.  I don't know whether the situation will be better if everyone is present to be around with her or she stops thinking about negative stuff.  A lot of things will change in the family this year, and I hope things will turn out fine and good. 大家都是一家人, 为什么不能摊开心来讲? 有再大的不满，都还是一家人。

Just want to pen down this to remember how happy I feel today:) I used to be super scared, and would 露出 my nervousness when talking in front of so many people. Surprsingly, I found myself pretty collected and my heart wasn't thumping fast when conducting lessons with 5 classes of students (and with other teachers around) this morning! I still feel quite unbelievable that I did it, but have a great sense of satisfaction somehow:) Perhaps, this means that I have stepped out of my comfort zone? Or is it just nice that I was comfortable talking to this group of students? Or it because of the yoga which I did ytd night at home which make me feel collected for this morning lecture? Whatever it is, I hope I did 'level up' instead of 'tyco' haha. 再接再厉，  moOn!:)💪

I don't know what got over me that I felt pretty negative these few days. Many things happened consecutively, and I am overwhlemed and discouraged. No one can really understand the internal struggle, including myself too. What am I good in? I am jack in all trades, but master of none. I have been trying to find my own 'identity' and when I thought I did, I actually didnt. I feel lousy not being proficient in any specific area. I honestly think that way. What am I good in? Can I be tougher than this?

2014 年毕业至今, 工作了几乎两年半。 虽然别人以为自己是中学/ JC/大学生， 可是自己知道已经老了, in mid- twenties。  Facebook 一直都会 share一些 posts, 例如: Things to do in twenties, Things to maintain healthy relationship etc. etc. 自己看看而已， 但也会想我有做到这些吗。  时不时会突然觉得自己的生活没有充足感。 虽然亲情， 友情，爱情 , 工作样样有, 但是总是觉得少了些什么。 身为家人的女儿 & 妹妹, 我觉得我对家人多了些关心，会特地 organise dinner on special occasions. 我感到满意， 但觉得我可以做更多，尤其是帮妈妈。要帮忙做家务，总是力不从心 =X  身为朋友的朋友,  我觉得对他们的关心不必以前多， 有时感觉有点愧疚。有试着去多和他们一起说说话，吃一顿简单的晚餐。希望他们过得很好。 身为女朋友, 有时觉得做的不称职。在一起4年多，不知道是因为更了解对方， 更爱对方，所以会想要他尝试改变更好。听到妈妈说原来表姐们都有对象， 其中一个甚至在申请屋子，我替他们感到高兴。 但是， 又听到妈妈所如果他们拿到房子， 其他人， 尤其是爸爸会对我碎碎念， 我心里感到不舒服。 拿房子觉得有点 scary，要等4－5 年， 所以要早申请，但是因为这样所以快快了事，然后 propose， 我心里有点不舒服。我总觉得 'it's not the right natural way'，可是不这么做以后要等很久，甚至还需要花更多钱。 工作方面 , 总觉得自己 understretch。 但是以学校的 culture & pattern, 如果 heads 知道了, 就有很多 shit 飞过来。我怀念在 HIHS 的 practicum , 虽然很challenging， 可是生活过得非常充实。我, 想要勇敢一点单飞 xD  我的人生还在调整, 但很庆幸自己时不时 auto 做一下 person...

也许， 太多的二人空间，失去了享受自己的自由空间。 从新调整要求， 珍惜自己的自由空间。

当自己的生命剩下不多，自己会做些什么？ 听到二姑时日不多的消息， 心里好难受。通常会在电视连续剧听到的，我亲耳从我堂姐听到。动两次的大手术， 对抗病魔多年， 还是没法打败它。我们都好不甘。  我多看二姑几眼， 好几次握她的手，叫她好好休息。 爸爸也是安慰二姑，叫她不要想太多， 现在是靠她的意志力打倒病魔。 真希望奇迹会出现。二姑， 加油！

昨天是 ah ma 的忌日。 不知不觉， 九年了。回想当年, 当 ah ma 走了的那一天凌晨，当我必须去 "O" 水准华文考试的那一天早上。 而昨天,  妈妈跟我诉说小叔卖掉现在住的房子。我的心里感到不舒服。 这是ah ma 往生之前住的地方，是我和其他亲戚朋友新年聚在一起的地方 -意义非凡， 对我印象很深刻。没了它，感觉好不舍。 以后， 就再也不会听到 爸爸说： “。。。我们上去 215”。 。

等一个人，晚餐.                           好久没有和最要好的朋友吃饭聊天。能可以一起吃饭， 真的很开心 :)