Life is not just about the race

 It has been a long while since I last posted about my rant about work. Fast forward to a year on, things have become more exciting and has been a roller coaster ride with the arrival of our baby, Hong Yi <3 I was thankful that the pregnancy journey was overall a pleasant one, surrounded with care and concern from people around me. Indeed, I felt like being treated like a 'queen' hahaha. I was 小感动 to meet  rare strangers who would step up to ask the other strangers to give up seat for me on MRT. The multiple visits to Dr Khoo's clinic were also pleasant and exciting because I got to see the baby scans (although some tests would make me feel a little jittery xD). The labour and delivery process was a whirlwind when Hong Yi decided to arrive as a pre-national baby. Despite the pain from contraction and pushing when HY's head was still stuck, I was thankful for Dr Khoo's swift action to get me out of the distress quickly. I will not forget his comment made about me,...

Have I ever hear my inner voice about how I see my current situation so far? Have I ever stop to hear out about my struggles instead of blindly telling myself that I can overcome it if I try harder? I was pouring out to my husband about how unhappy I was at work yesterday. I shared with him that I don't know if I am complaining too much, or the work culture and demand are just not suitable for me and clashes with my ideal. I have been contemplating whether I should just leave for another school, or to leave the SC fraternity totally and join back my old fraternity. Based on what I see, I don't think that the situation will vary much in different schools, since the way how school system is as such, unless I have a supportive department team who will be there to support me and my counselling work. So why risk another 1.5 years having to adjust to new school environment?  A part of me wants to give myself a chance to give it another try...but does it even worth a try? I was also s...

Although it has been a year+ into my new role as a School Counsellor, it felt pretty long and tedious. The situations that I face with are very dynamic and I have to be ready at whatever stage I am at. I have been adjusting my self-expectation quite a fair bit, given that I am more of a systematic person and prefer to have structures in place.  And.. it is usually the most complex issues that made me doubt my ability and decision to join school counselling. Honestly, I really dislike the idea of giving up half way when things get hard, because it made me feel like I am not trying hard enough or am avoiding the tough tasks. Yet, I want to be realistic to seek better balance in having true joy in the work I do, able to contribute well and earning well.  For now, I just want to focus more on overcoming my challenges ahead- becoming a better case manager and staying more firm in my ground as a trained school counsellor.  Hopefully, the 2023 me will not regret what I have not ...

Thought I was supposed to be happier with what I am doing now, but I cannot find that joy yet. I know that change is the new constant, but I am internally struggling to adapt to my new role and new workplace that I am in now.  Alot of self-initiatives, alot of forced but needed interaction with many different stakeholders, alot of prompt decisions to make on the spot, alot of stepping out of my comfort zone. Yet, the best moments are in the counselling room with my students, and focusing on understanding their feelings and deeper thoughts about the issues that they are facing.  The recent school refusal case has really stressed me out. I wonder how I will be able to juggle a few other more urgent cases at hand next time. The "no appetite to eat proper lunch" habit is back, the chest pain starting to come and go. This time too fast.  I hope it is just a phase when I just need to overcome this mental struggle in me.  Breathe.

"How different am I now as compared to 5 years ago?" This question struck hard on me when I was feeling moody about myself. The effect of the change in the career has started to set in - from having the need to adjust to new work environment, to interacting with new people (and more people higher up the rank), and to making sure that I don't "screw things up". At the same time, there is this heightened level of stress having to deal with sensitive cases in time to come, working with people who are more vocal and have different perspectives from me, as well as dealing with my what-ifs. It was honestly hard for me to think of the changes that I saw in myself at first. As I reflected on the non-tangible part of me, I am surprised that I am actually growing subtly, in terms of my self-management and perspective-taking:) (though I hope I wont grow in opposite way to become bossy or pushy xD)  I am still a work in-progress. But, I am relieved that I am growing. 

"You are so kind," the maggie mee boy muttered.  I was surprised to hear that, and I asked him to repeat himself again.  "You are so kind." "Oh, why did you say so?" "You let me do what I want." The old me would be feeling soooo happy to hear such a compliment.  However, I realised I don't really feel that way. Instead, I was curious to find out what had made him say that. I later made sense that he has hardly encountered much kindness acts from others as he is always being scolded by others.  And my action during that session might have made him feel that he is being treated nicely and he appreciated that. Thank you for reminding me to be kind. 

The past 2 weeks of study at campus was refreshing but it wasn't exactly as enjoyable as what I envisioned it would be. Although the physical landscape of the familiar campus remains pretty much the same, other things have changed. A part of me have always wanted to be young (at heart) like the uni students and to immerse myself in the interesting experiences they have. I thought it is just a pure wish that normal people would want, I mean, who wouldn't wish to go back to the most carefree stage of life? However, the recent trips back to the campus made me realised that as much as I try to emulate, I will still be at the stage of life that I am right now. This made me realise that perhaps, a part of me is stuck at that stage of life 10 years ago, the most bittersweet one I ever had. It also felt as if I wanted to go back to campus to 'override' something that I was unhappy about, and to reminisce the happiest moments that I had.   Then, I realised I have to accept chang...

I recalled reading the article about a migrant worker who attempted to harm himself and watching the video of his co-workers persuading him to climb back to safety. I couldn't help but tear. I am not too sure why I reacted that way, but I just felt heartbroken to see that happening. Still being in the midst of Covid-19 situation, I realised that most of us (including myself) have taken the freedom to leave house for granted as we tried to 'resume' our daily activities. On the other hand, there is a big group of people, migrant workers, who are still 'stuck' inside their dormitories. Recalling how much some of us had grumbled about staying at home 24/7 several months back, can we imagine how much these migrant workers have to go through thousand miles away from their loved ones? Can we just be a little kinder in our words and tone to the people we met and see? I have recently caught the movie, Unhinged, and even though the movie seemed a little extreme, it highlights...

More often than not, we tend to shrug things off even when we get certain sensing or vibes about them. When things really happened the way we thought they would be, we are most likely to say, "I told you so." What if our intuition can help someone in a difficult situation? What if our intuition can make a person feel better and less alone?   Or, what if our intuition is wrong?  For those who know me well, I tend to think a lot and deliberate over a decision for very long.  That night, I didn't think too long nor shrug off my intuition. I decided to put my fear of being wrong aside. I texted my friend whom I sensed she is facing some tough time.  And I am glad I did.  “In tuition doesn’t tell you what you want to hear; it tells you what you need  to hear.”  ~Sonia Choquette

I had an insightful conversation with Shaw last week about my decision to change my job role in school.  She didn't really understand why I would want to switch from teaching to school counselling job that is more emotional taxing and less recognizable by others.  Without much hesitation, I replied her that I want to focus just on students' emotional well-being without having other miscellaneous roles that a teacher needs to do.  And our conversation went on. Shaw:  你真的很喜欢帮人 hor? Me: Ya..  我觉得 这比较 有意义 也有 满足感. Shaw:  你怎么知道你喜欢做这个? Me: Oh.. 从我大学参加 CCA.. 给那些较低收入家庭的学生 free tuition... Shaw:   我是不怎么喜欢帮人 la.. 可是我会担心你用太多的 heart. Me:  是咯, 我知道 (长时间 )会不 好. 我 有 remind 自己不可以这样 (too emotional or sucked into the cases that I am handling). Shaw: 记得要照顾你的 heart, 有时候 需要用 brain (logical thinking) instead.   This conversation has made me realised that I haven been largely depending on people's perspective as an indication for my self-worth ...

10 years ago, the memory of MOE signing session reminded me of my internal reluctance and struggle of signing my 8 years of life away.  Today, I am back at the very place for yet another signing session. What an irony.  Nevertheless, this time is different - I have done so pretty much happily and readily. I guess this is how it feels like to feel empowered - to make my own choices and take responsibility of them. Honestly, I am not too sure whether this decision will be better or far worse than 10 years ago. I fear the uncertainty but I feel that I have made the best personal choice for myself that aligns with my personal belief and ambition.  I guess that's why I am still able to go up to that very stage again and to sign with confidence.  After the signing session, I had an interesting conversation with my brother and cousin about the difference between a job and career. Long story short, my cousin was trying to share his perspective that a job shouldn...

It had been an enriching weeks leading up to the Polling day. From feeding my curiosity to challenging my personal thoughts about GE, I guess the best lesson for me is to be open-minded to different perspectives yet being critical in analysing the information that I come across with. Every party had put up a really good tough fight. Personally, I am satisfied with the outcome and I hope Singaporeans do too without complaint. Because they made their (best) personal choices, be it casting to either party, or choosing not to vote or even spoiling their votes.  This morning sees a breakthrough for the opposition party and it clearly shows how much the younger generation wishes to be heard, beyond just the bread and butter issues. Honestly, I was skeptical about the reactions and views of the younger generation voters at first. But it shook me up a little when one of my friends reminded me that if the government doesn't haven faith in the younger ones, then there is something w...

Having lessons with Shaw is one of the best things that happened to me. Some lessons have been inspirational and they touch the very core of my heart - my fear,  my inferiority complex, my feeling of  'never good enough'. I am thankful that I have someone other than my family members whom I can be vulnerable in front of, to have someone that I can discuss my inner thoughts freely with.   Some of our conversations have prompted me to reflect more deeply about myself and my life. The lessons and mini performance opportunities given have also helped to normalise the feeling of being 'free', to play the way I want it to be, to let go of my self-consciousness and to judge myself a little lesser. Sometimes, I do feel tired trying to be 'good enough' and having fear of being judged. However, the past 2.5 months of wanderlust and 6 months of learning Counselling have made me realised that all these thoughts are uncalled for. If I didn't go ahead with the...

I wonder how many of us have ever complained that we don't have enough time to do this or that? And it always ended up not doing the things/tasks we wish to do, such as doing our favourite activity, spending a day with family and so on. I am guilty of that. After all, everyone has the same amount of time at hand - 24 hours, 1440 minutes and 86 400 seconds a day.  Why am I thinking that time is not enough? As I grow older, I have become more aware about this habit of mine- procrastinating and feeling that this is not the 'right time'  to do yet.  When WFH begins during CB period, I realised most of us can be pretty efficient in completing the tasks within few hours so that the rest of the time can be free up to do other things at home.  This applies to home, when we can actually use the limited time that we have on things that we set out to do, if we really want to.  I recalled one day when I was alone at home with my mum and we started sharing about po...

It is not easy to be curious. It requires purposeful practice and genuine concern. Since young, I have been used to following through things and did not have the habit to voice out personal opinions. Overtime, it makes me feel awkward to verbalise my thoughts and think that my perspective is not as good as others. Whilst going through the school stint as a School Counsellor, I begin to be practice conscious curiosity through interaction with students. I find myself feeling more comfortable asking questions that feed my curiosity, as well as taking on different perspective of the students. In the sense, the experience has made me become more empathetic towards the students and motivates me to feel their emotions. To practice curiosity in real-life situations, I try to apply it by paying more attention to political issues and understanding the perspective of each party. Although it is complex to be understood, being curious has encouraged me to ask myself questions and seek for deep...

"What if I were to die tomorrow?" I suddenly have such thought probably because I have the whole of June Holiday to think through about my life thus far and I finally have the freedom to decide on my future (work) life. You may be thinking of why I am thinking negatively, but I thought that it is a question that is so real.  As I was pondering over this question, I am thinking about how the death will affect myself or the people around me. Well, life continues and the earth will still keep turning.  In terms of work, I realised that no one is irreplaceable, and there will always be that "other one" who will keep it going. I have suddenly seen this clearly after 6 months when Miss Sim is no longer around in school. And so, I will not be that silly anymore to slog my heart out over work, and will show more self-care to myself. As for family, I hope that my death wont inconvenient them. I suddenly realised that I have too many things at home and I do not wis...

It has been so long since I last posted. I have always wanted to, but am plain lazy to do so. Things have pretty much the same, with a few major episodes happening in between. I am trying to be more spontaneous in taking charge of what I want in life, and I hope that these will be fulfilled accordingly so without any regret.The thought of going to Australia for a year is really exciting and I cannot wait to realise this common goal with CL:) Nevertheless, I do feel stress about how I can help contribute to speed up the process and prepare ourselves better. Good news: I am nearing the end of my 4 years bond! No doubt, I AM getting more excited for the next 3 months to welcome my 'freedom', but I realised that I feel more stressed:( Is it self-given stress or am I just afraid that I cannot realise the goal of going to Australia next year? I really don't know.  Recently, there are several mentions about mental health matter. From Miss Elim Chew, to the school and...

I can feel that I am not looking forward to the things ahead anymore (or at least for now), and I feel like sleeping through the day.  And yes, I slept through 16 hours last Saturday. Unlike the last time, I didn't feel guilty for sleeping that long that day. I felt energized after sleeping, yet not knowing what to do. The feeling of losing the enthusiasm to do things, or even looking forward to exciting things ahead can be pretty scary. Because you are not sure whether your enthusiasm can carry you far, but you know that those exciting things will come to an end eventually. Apart from that, there are more things to worry about as you get older and wiser (well, in the sense). You have to assume more responsibility in major decision-making process and be the peacemaker for the various situations. 好不想长大:(   As of now, I am generally satisfied with what I have, though I have no "突破" (yet). 知足真的会常乐吗？No drive, no motivation. 死了也不会后悔太多吧？ Where will I ...

It is first time that there are missing family members during the Chinese New Year.  "Huh, 这还是团圆饭 meh?", my eldest cousin exclaimed. My heart sank. My heart sank a second time upon knowing that my 舅母 and cousin were going to China during that reunion dinner night. At least after dinner..:) I should be feeling really happy that there is lesser wayang during the dinner this time round. We could be ourselves, enjoyed the simple dishes and laughed out loud together. However, I just felt that there are something missing. Be it the atmosphere and people. My heart sank for a third time upon seeing and feeling that my ah ma is not in her good shape.  I don't know whether the situation will be better if everyone is present to be around with her or she stops thinking about negative stuff.  A lot of things will change in the family this year, and I hope things will turn out fine and good. 大家都是一家人, 为什么不能摊开心来讲? 有再大的不满，都还是一家人。

Just want to pen down this to remember how happy I feel today:) I used to be super scared, and would 露出 my nervousness when talking in front of so many people. Surprsingly, I found myself pretty collected and my heart wasn't thumping fast when conducting lessons with 5 classes of students (and with other teachers around) this morning! I still feel quite unbelievable that I did it, but have a great sense of satisfaction somehow:) Perhaps, this means that I have stepped out of my comfort zone? Or is it just nice that I was comfortable talking to this group of students? Or it because of the yoga which I did ytd night at home which make me feel collected for this morning lecture? Whatever it is, I hope I did 'level up' instead of 'tyco' haha. 再接再厉，  moOn!:)💪